I thought I was chasing a career reset. Looking back, I was learning how to stop surviving and start living again.
I didn’t tell everyone right away that I was moving to Belize. Some of my family members were unintentionally blindsided. I imagine some people assumed I moved to Belize because I was burned out from healthcare…or running.
They aren’t entirely wrong.
But they also aren’t entirely right.
I didn’t move to Belize because I hated healthcare. I moved because I had spent years surviving and no longer knew who I was outside of surviving.
I thought I had my life planned.
✓travel therapy for a couple of years
✓pay off my debt
✓explore the US + international travel
Simple.
Life had a different plan.
My dad got sick while in PT school. It was overwhelming. I feel like most rehab specialists are nurturers so I figured caregiving would be a natural fit. It wasn’t. I did not get the chance to settle into my career.
I was taking care of people at work.
Taking care of my dad at home.
And attempting to take care of myself.
That last part I did not do very well.
Fast forward to 2019. I was finding my footing. I left home to travel but made sure my dad had a caregiver and that family would check in on him periodically. I also planned to come home between contracts so after my time in Maryland was up, I drove back down to Texas to stay at home for 5-6 weeks. That was the beginning of 2020.
2020 was a big hit to every human being. It was a year of firsts and a year of loss. My loss was my dad passing away – not due to COVID. My first was that at 31, I no longer had parents. I was an “orphan”.
Between 2020 and now I had moved to another part of the state, competed in a couple of bodybuilding shows, traveled, dated someone I thought I was going to marry, broke it off with him, moved to another city and worked at what I considered to be my dream job. Looking back, I don’t think I ever gave myself permission to stop. While at this “dream job”, I busted my butt to obtain two certifications – one of them being a board certification. I was also promoted to a level III physical therapist and a program manager. Sounds like I hit the jackpot right? In hindsight, maybe I did.
Since being in Belize and having time to reflect, I’ve realized I was running in survivor mode. Looking back, I don’t think perfectionism was the problem.
It was one of the ways I survived.
For me, I did everything I could to make myself feel better and to prevent the pain that comes with loss showing up again. And I was pretty damn good at it. Until it no longer served me.
Every certification gave me another mountain to climb.
Every promotion delayed asking harder questions.
Every workout gave me one more hour where I didn’t have to sit with grief.
None of these things are inherently bad. I was just using them to avoid sitting still.
I never took the time to find out and practice being, accepting and enjoying who I was. I was just focused on…becoming. I put so much stock into what others thought I should do that my own voice – and God’s for that matter – became distorted. I was overstimulated, keeping busy busy busy. I was overwhelmed by the success and wasn’t sure if I was enjoying it or…if it was even the direction I wanted to keep going in. I decided it was time for a change. It was time for a reset.
I have been in Belize for almost 8 months and it has been refreshing. When I first got here, I was still in that cycle of do-do-do, achieve-achieve-achieve. I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to figure out what comes next after Belize…without actually enjoying where I was
That has slowed down tremendously by my standards. I am not so far removed from where I was that I HAVEN’T considered what’s next and what that may look like. However, I have decided that it is okay if I don’t have it all figured out. What I have gained is something I had a hard time accepting: the belief that I do not have to earn my worth. I can accept where I am while still growing.
I still like working hard.
I still like to exercise.
I still have goals.
I still enjoy learning.
The difference is I no longer believe those things determine my value.
I have been through a lot since I landed in Texas in 2007, and I’m sure life still has plenty more to teach me. For now, I’m grateful for where I’ve been and where I am. And for the first time in a long time…
I’m okay not knowing exactly where I’m going.
I have covered a lot over this five-post series. To those who have been following – my OGs – Thank you. I hope each post gave you insight into volunteering overseas, living as a Belizean (i.e. no A/C, biking everywhere…) – the good, the hard, the inconvenient and the deeply rewarding. I can’t help but reiterate how much Belize has taught me about being a clinician, being a leader and serving others. Most importantly, it has given me the opportunity to sit still, quiet my anxious thoughts and hear my voice again. Life can take many turns. If you are at a transition point – career or personal life – take a step back and ask yourself where you want to go. Start the process sooner rather than later. Do not let life force you to slow down before giving yourself permission.